Swan Song

I was really tickled to read that the subject of "family" was chosen for this month. I had reached the conclusion last month that contributing to this blog was one of the things I needed to let go of. From this month's theme, to my placement happening to be last in the month's writing rotation, to the "my point exactly" fact of having had a least two other posts planned out in my head and no time to get them done, I feel that conclusion being clearly reaffirmed and my exit being made plain before me. I've enjoyed the fellowship and ideas shared here, thanks for sharing with me and letting me share with you! I'm going to leave with a poem I wrote recently that sums up some of my thoughts, fears, and reminders as a mother. Being mothers is such a blessing and a ministry. I love how the simplest things can be so meaningful and inspiring! It's hard work, but there is such joy and reward in it.
I look forward to still reading up on what you're all up to here!

Time, Like Bubbles

Pure delight on your sun-kissed face
Taking turns to blow and chase
Showers of bubbles cascade and rise
Catch them if you can!

Time, like bubbles, floats away, flies away.
My heart yearns to cry out, "please slow down; let's just stay!"
My arms yearn to reach out, hold you close, keep you near.
But I've got to let you go, watch you grow, release you, dear.

Pure delight on my son-kissed face
Soaking in each little sweet embrace
Showers of kisses blown my way
I catch them in my hand.

And time, like bubbles, floats away, flies away.
My heart yearns to cry out, "please slow down; let's just stay!"
My arms yearn to reach out, hold you close, keep you near.
But I've got to let you go, watch you grow, release you, dear.

Pure delight on your mom-kissed face
Maturity and adulthood will too soon replace
Showers of precious moment swirl around
Hold them while you can!

For time, like bubbles, floats away, flies away.
My heart yearns to cry out, "please slow down; Let's just stay!"
My arms yearn to reach out, hold you close, keep you near.
But I've got to let you go, watch you grow, release you, dear.

You have a skies limit to reach, an ocean of God's love to discover!
My job is to train and to teach, not to fret and to hover.
You are carried by His grace, purposed in His design.
Not isolated and adrift in the shifting winds of time.
Our faith is not frail and our hope is not hollow!
So I'll be thankful to hold you today and not fear for tomorrow.

Pure delight on my Son-kissed face
Resting in His faithfulness, peace, love, and grace
Showers of prayers and praise pour out and ascend
Lord, You are holding them in your hand!



Inspired by and dedicated to my bubbly little Loveskis, who are growing up way too fast and whom I'm always gonna wanna hold "just one more time!" - SMN, 2011

A Legacy

When sitting down to write about the topic of family.  I found myself quite stumped.  It's not because I don't have anyone to write about, but because I am so blessed with so many family member that mean so much to me.  Even narrowing the topic to family AND homemaking didn't really help.  I have two delightful grandmothers that are both excellent bakers and cooks, and a wonderful Mama that puts creative flair into everything that she whips up.  Even the men in my life have secret recipes stashed up their sleeves.

It made me realize what an amazing legacy I have received and will be able to pass on to my children.  It has made me so excited to continue to cook both with, and for, my children.  Though I don't have those secret recipes {yet}, I do have the time and ability to make sure my kids eat fresh, delicious {at least I think they are, the kids don't always agree} and nutritious homemade meals 3 times a day. {except when 'Papa' brings donuts, but who is going to complain about that?}

In order to keep this blessing going my 3 oldest take turns being my Sous Chefs while I prepare dinner.  It is always their favorite "chore", so much so they sometimes end up quarreling about whose turn it is.  I always figured that my girls would enjoy cooking with me, and they do, but it's my oldest son that takes the most pleasure in it.

{And what boy wouldn't when he gets to wear this amazing "Cape-ron" made by Aunt Sarah!}  

I think it gives him some special one on one time and allows him to show off all of his measuring, chopping and pouring skills.

This has been so wonderful for me because in most of the other areas of his life he seems to thrive on making things...er...difficult for all those around him.  But when he has his Sous-Chef outfit on and his Mama Chef by his side all seems right in his little world.  And it reminds me that with God's grace this is exactly who he can, and hopefully will be, and then all is right in my little world.  

Friends

Something I have been pondering about, praying about, and learning about (once again) is friendship. The fact is: relationships are messy. There are misunderstandings, miscommunications, different perspectives, missed moments to be open, offenses, etc. etc. etc.! The flip side is that God created us for relationship, and even amidst the constant challenges of healthfully navigating friendships, being close to people is a beautiful thing. To have the freedom to share with others, to have them share with you ... think of some of the best times you have shared with family, husbands, friends, children - would you trade them? Even though there were probably just as many tough paths that were walked as well?

Hopefully, no. Overall, I am not a person who easily opens up. I tend to process inwardly. When I am down, my initial tendency is to sequester myself away. Big groups sometimes make me feel awkward. I'm not that great at "small talk" and drawing others into conversation. I get nervous! Yet, without friendships and relationships ... I get even more down and more inwardly-focused! It becomes a downward spiral that I have to fight against.

I can think of two specific friends that I currently have, in way different time frames (college and recent) had the guts to confront me when I wasn't being the friend I should be. Who questioned me and drew me out (lovingly) in order that our relationship might be strengthened and not left to wither away. I am so grateful that they did that!

Within the past several weeks, the Lord has been reminding me to pursue my friendships. I get busy - I look at others and assume that they are "busy" too, and don't make a priority to spend time with others, especially other moms. But when I'm not in relationship with others who are in a similar time of life - or just ahead - as I am, then I start to listen to another voice, a deceiving voice that tells me I'm all alone, only I struggle with this or that, only my kids are this trying at times, and it goes on and on and on. And although my ultimate confidence has to be from Him, He gave me the other women around me to be a part of my life ... to cheer me on so I can cheer them on.

I read an article: "A Mom's Guide to Making Friends" in Parents Magazine the other day (I attempted to find the article online and couldn't for some reason ...). It re-inspired me to work harder at making time for my friendships. Some highlights:
- Find a commonality you share (i.e., children, their ages, church, hobbies, etc.) and let that get a friendship or even a conversation off to great start;
- Opt for face time rather than just email/Facebook/phone ("technology is a great added value to a friendship, but it's neither necessary nor sufficient" ... as long as you're in the same town);
- Remember that you can be great friends both with those like you, and with those who are much different. Sometimes being different eliminates competitiveness and enables women to coach each other along;
- Make maintaining friendship easy - not a chore. The author says that "Moms are great at budgeting time for everything - playdates, exercise, school, housework, even sex - but they rarely budget time for friendships". She suggests thinking of a "friendship budget" so to speak ... just making sure time for friends is included in your month - EVERY month.

We all have our priorities. And I'm not trying to add to anyone's "to do" list and make life more overwhelming than it can already seem! Just sharing what God is challenging me with. To not go the easy way for Elisa ... which is often to want to avoid relationship challenges. But that only isolates me and weakens my friendships. Which I don't want! So, I am asking Him to help me stick to a stronger resolve reach out to my friends and let our messy lives intertwine!

"Teach me Thy Way"

This teaching/learning month seems like a great opportunity to share one of my favorite hymns. I'm currently teaching it to my oldest two, one verse at a time. I love hearing their little voices singing it, and am praying that it is planting seeds of teachability, obedience, and trust in their young hearts.















Teach me Thy Way, O Lord; Teach me Thy Way!
Thy gracious aid afford; Teach me Thy Way!
Help me to walk a-right, more by faith less by sight,
Lead me with Heavn'ly light; Teach me Thy Way!

When I am sad at heart, Teach me Thy Way!
When earthly joys depart, Teach me Thy Way!
In hours of loneliness, in times of dire distress,
In failure or success, Teach me Thy Way!

When doubts and fears arise; Teach me Thy Way!
When storms o'er spread the skies; Teach me Thy Way!
Shine through the cloud and rain, thro' sorrow, toil and pain,
Make Thou my pathway plain; Teach me Thy Way!

Long as my life shall last; Teach me Thy Way!
Where'er my lot be cast; Teach me Thy Way!
Until the race is run, until the journey's done,
Until the crown is won; Teach me Thy Way!

- B. Mansell Ramsey, 1849-1943

Growing in Patience - by Faith

I had hoped for a fantastic tutorial post to wrap up March. Nope. Hence my actual post.

Lately, it seems, that the Lord is giving me many ways to exercise patience. Or, rather, to ask for His patience to pour into me so that I can turn attempt to live it out. As sisters, wives, mothers, friends, co-workers, you-name-it, we know that having patience is SO much easier said than done!

When will the colds/ear infections go away?

Have patience, my child.

When can I get all the laundry washed/dried/folded? House clean? Etc. when said children keep seeming to get sick?

Have patience, my child.

Why does my 4 year old have to push limits ALL.THE.TIME? (at least it feels like that)

Have patience as you teach him obedience.

I am finding that as God reminds me to have patience, it is also a lesson for me in priorities. My priorities are, well, mine! And often when I find that little monster of impatience creeping out of my speech, into my thoughts, it is because I am focused on what I think/need/want to get done, rather than keeping focused on what God sees as truly important.

I have lately felt so impatient with myself. Why am I not further along in my walk with God? Why do I struggle with many of the same things over and over? Why do I lose my temper more often than I would like? And as I have wrestled with those questions - I find God has told me to have patience. Not in a passive manner ... but the patience of seeking His Will, reading His Word, and allowing the process of transformation to occur along His timeline. I would prefer instant transformation! Wouldn't we all? But my sinful nature doesn't really want to give up without a fight. And so I am finding that humbling myself before the Cross is really all I can do. Humbling myself by asking forgiveness of my son when I snap at him rather than taking a deep breath and responding in love. Humbling myself by allowing others over to my house when I would rather have it looking my cleaner (that is a true challenge for me). Humbling myself by acknowledging that I am so far from having it all together, but, thankfully, He isn't expecting me to.

And that's it. Perhaps this is only where I am at - and you are far beyond me! But, the honest truth was that a fantastic tutorial post on my agenda for the day. And God came right in at 9:30 a.m. this morning and threw my agenda out the window ...

Growing Pains

Do you remember singing this song in Sunday School when you were little?

Read your Bible
Pray every day
And you'll grow
grow
grow

Funny, I was really excited for this topic. Lot's of ideas have been running through my head all month, and now it's my turn, and I haven't had a single minute until just now to write. And the things keeping me busy and overwhelmed are all due to growth. Baby is teething; those little teeth are trying to break through keeping her up at night and crabby-clingy during the day. Daughter is in physical therapy; 1+ year of constant tiptoe walking is affecting her musculature, skelecature, and posture. or are those things why she toewalks? Son is picking up concepts so quickly that I'm afraid I'm holding him back because I'm not organized yet to fully take the homeschooling plunge and concentrate on that right now.
And that's just the mothering aspect of my life...

I guess every phase of life is a growing phase. Sometimes it's a calm steady rate, sometimes it's exhilarating and flourishing, and sometimes it's stretching, overwhelming, and painful. That's the phase I'm currently in. I would prefer to be in the blossoming phase where beauty and fruit are evident, soaking up that sunshine. But right now I feel like I'm just slowly starting to move through the soil, trying to dig out from under the earth pushing down on me. Right now the comforting thought is that, unlike that seed out there that is growing up, reaching for the light, I don't have to wait to break through the soil. Even in my darkest moments, I have Light. I would like to share some of the things that have come up in my reading this month that have been particularly helpful and encouraging during this growth cycle.

March 8th Evening Reading

I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able. 2 Timothy 1:12
* Able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think. Eph. 3:20
* Able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work 2 Corinthians 9:8
* Able to aid those who are tempted Hebrews 2:18
* Able to save to the uttermost those who come to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them. Hebrews 7:25
* Able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy. Jude 24
* Able to keep that which I've committed to Him until that Day 2 Timothy 1:12
* [Christ] will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body, according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself. Phil. 3:21
* Jesus said to [the blind man], "Do you believe that I am able to do this?...According to your faith let it be to you" Mat. 9:28-29

March 10th Morning Reading

The-Lord-Will-Provide Genesis 22:14
God will provide for Himself the lamb for a burnt offering. Genesis 22:8 Behold, the Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save: nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. Isaiah 59:1 The Deliverer will come out of Zion, and He will turn ungodliness from Jacob. Romans 11:26 Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God. Psalm 146:5 Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope in His mercy, to deliver their sou from death, and to keep them alive in famine. Psalm 33:18-19 My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:19 He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say: "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:5-6 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him. Psalm 28:7

March 13th Evening Reading

O my God, my soul is cast down within me. Psalm 42:6
You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength. Isaiah 26:3-4 Cast you burdens on the Lord, and He shall sustain you. Psalm 55:22 For He has not despised nor abhorred the the afflictions of the afflicted; nor has He hidden His face from Him; but when He cried to Him, He heard. Psalm 22:24 Is anyone among you suffering? Let Him pray. James 5:13 Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid John 14:27 Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, hat you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Matthew 6:25-26 (this verse keeps popping up on this blog!) Do not be unbelieving, but believing. John 20:27 Lo, I am with you always Matthew 28:20

- excerpts copied from Daily Light on the Daily Path, as compiled by the Samuel Bagster Family
This book has been a great blessing to me, as it gives me a directed reading to share with the kids after breakfast, and the cohesive manner of it gives me one thought to meditate on throughout the day. And then there times like this when I am amazed how something compiled in the 1800's can speak directly to my need today. But when it's God's Word, it's always timely! He is so amazing.

Between the old English syntax and style, I've had to read the following poem several times to fully get it. Doing so has been well worth the effort, and one of the better payouts of my time investments.

Thou sayest, "fit me, fashion me for Thee."
Stretch forth thine empty hands, and be thou still:
O restless soul, thou dost but hinder Me
By valiant purpose and by steadfast will.
Behold the summer flowers beneath the sun,
In stillness his great glory they behold;
And sweetly thus his mighty work is done,
And resting in his gladness they unfold.
So are the sweetness and the joy divine
Thine, O beloved, and the work is Mine.

- Ter Steegen, as quoted in Principles of Spiritual Growth by Miles J. Stanford

A plant naturally grows upwards towards the light and warmth above. But I have it even better. I don't have to break through the soil; I have the Light with me always, for He promised to never leave me, nor forsake me. Instead of struggling to cast off the dirt pressing down around me, all I have to do rest in Him, and HE pulls me up.

As I was writing this down and thinking about verses I was typing, the Lord Spirit brought the following hymn to mind/heart.

Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.

Refrain

Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

O, how great Thy loving kindness,
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O, how marvelous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Belovèd,
Know what wealth of grace is Thine,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Refrain

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings:
Thine is love indeed!

Refrain

Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting ’neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.

Refrain

- Jean S. Pigott, 1876



Psalm 119:50 This is my comfort in my affliction,
For Your word has given me life.

"Growing"

photo credit - tico_bassie

Spring is in the air, or at least I would like it to be.  Though there is still snow on the ground here in Kansas, my thoughts have already turned to warmer days and the new possibilites for growth.

Earlier this month, as I pondered a theme for March on A Bird in the Hand, I found myself getting excessively  frustrated.  I couldn't think of anything, that I could write about, that someone else couldn't already do better and write about more eloquently.  My intention isn't for this blog to become a competition between the contributors (especially if I was going to lose *wink*), but I did want to be able to speak knowledgeably about a subject if I was going to write about it.  Every time I thought of a subject (cleaning, parenting, beauty, grace, being a godly wife...) my mind would go absolutely blank.  I began to panic - "It's my turn to pick!", "I have to come up with something!", "I can't let the team down!" "think, think, think!!".

I spent a ridiculous amount of brain cells, striving just to pick a simple theme.  And then it dawned on me, I haven't taken this to the Lord.  I had prayed about it...sort of, but had I really sought the Lord for an answer?...no.  I immediately dropped my heart to it's knees and began to pray.  He answered.  Though He did not immediately give me the answer to my question, like I wanted (of course).  He lovingly pointed out where I was missing the mark.  I cannot wait until I have all the answers to share with others.  If I wait, I will be sharing with others directly from my own proud heart, instead of from His gracious wisdom.

Matthew 6:27-29  Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?  “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;  and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

photo credit - unknown

My desire is not to "toil or spin" in my own efforts, but to grow like a lily, walk in the light of my Creator, and allow my roots to dig deep into Him alone.

So the topic was chosen, not because I can speak intelligently on the subject, but simply because I need to grow.  And though it is easier to wait until I feel confident in what I am sharing, I believe the Lord will be able to use me more effectively when I am vulnerable with Him, and also vulnerable with you.

And just to show you how much work I really need, even after this wonderful revelation, in my weakness and insecurity, I still had to ask one of the other contributors if they liked the topic before beginning to write about it. - I may never learn.  Thank the Lord for his undying grace toward me, I am so undeserving!

Jehovah-jireh

My God will always provide.

Sometimes it's the financial freedom to be able to say "yes".

Sometimes it's the self control to say "no".

Sometimes it's the patience to wait.

Sometimes it's the wisdom, tho begrudging, to see that a "need" is actually just a "want".

Sometimes it's an amazing store sale, craigslist deal, garage sale find etc.

Sometimes it's the contentment to joyfully accept my present situation.

Sometimes it's the brain storm to see how I can better utilize what I already have.

Sometimes it's a gift or thoughtful gesture from a friend or even a stranger.

Sometimes it's a Word of love from Himself that reminds me how blessed beyond measure I already am.

Sometimes it's the recognition of need in someone else's life that helps me see beyond my own situation.

Sometimes it's a coupon for my favorite brand.

Sometimes it's the perspective to understand what real value is.

Sometimes it's the creativity to make or re-purpose something to meet my need.

Sometimes it's peace that passes all understanding, keeping/guarding my heart and mind through Jesus Christ.

Sometimes it's the lyrics of a hymn or song that pop into my head at just the right time
"Stayed upon Jehovah/ hearts are fully blessed/finding as He promised/perfect peace and rest"

Whatever the situation, my God is so wise, so powerful and so creative. It may not be the answer I was looking for, but He is always providing for me!

Jehovah-jireh, the Lord Who Provides, literally, the Lord Who Sees, sees beyond the need that I am experiencing. Each and every situation is an opportunity to help me realize my true dependence on Him, His true love for me, and a way to draw me closer to Himself, and to make me more like His Son.

And that, really, is all I need.

Frugal Failure

As I sat down to write this post I had so many ideas to share with all of you.  I wanted to share all of the ways that we pinch our pennies and tighten our belts.   But as I started writing down my ideas, it all began to sound hollow and self important.  I then started thinking about what it really means to me to be frugal.

Why am I trying to be frugal?
What are my motives behind all this "frugality"?
Am I saving money to have money?
Am I trying to keep myself "safe" by having something to fall back on if the worst should happen?
Am I doing this to glorify God, or to glorify myself?

These were hard questions to ask myself and even harder to answer.  As I searched deep within myself I began to see all my false motives behind my frugality.  I am trying to save money to keep myself safe.  I do feel more comfortable with an emergency fund.  My faith is in my ability to save enough money to keep us from some unknown disaster.  As the contents of my motivation spilled forth before me I was truly disturbed.  I had no idea that my "being a good steward" of what God has given me, was really a way of replacing Him in my life.   It was time for repentance, and a change of perspective.

So what now?  Do I give away all of our money?   Do I stop being frugal?  Where is the balance?

I don't think so.  I still believe that God wants us to be frugal with what He has given us.  But the motivation behind the frugality needs to be to give Him the glory and Him alone.  If it is going to feed my sense of security, my pride, or anything else it has become a worthless idol.

Though this was not what I had intended to write for Frugal February.  I'm am so glad my previous plans were thwarted.  Oh, and I will still be posting some frugal tips and tricks.  But this time with an entirely different set of motives!

Better Late Than Never

This isn't a tutorial post.

Or one with a delectable recipe.

And you won't find any coupon tips today.

No deep thoughts on motherhood.

Nope.

Just a brief reflection ...

Last night we pulled out the last of our Christmas decorations to put up.

Lo and behold ... last year, I had picked out fabric, bought it,

even cut it out - and still the pieces for Reuben's stocking were

quietly folded away in a plastic bag.

At first I was dismayed at myself. How could this be? = )

And then I began to think back ...

My youngest was a whole 9 months old last December.

Still nursing like bananas while refusing to crawl or scoot himself

A.N.Y.W.H.E.R.E.

I loved (and still do!) him to pieces,

but that sweet child was DEMANDING!

I remember so many feelings washing over me as I cared for him:

Overwhelmed. Tired. Guilty for feeling Overwhelmed and Tired.

And so I sat the fabric aside ... reminded myself that a 9 month old

really has no idea of what stockings are about or should be filled with ...

and took something off my "to-do" list for the holidays.

And it felt GREAT!

One year later, it was no problem to stitch it quickly up last night

and allow it to join the other three.

And although my first thought was somewhat of glee

"my life is a bit more 'free' feeling this year!"

I realize that is extremely selfish and self focused.

So, after asking for fogiveness for that first sinful thought,

I believe that I was reminded (as Jeni posted earlier)

that maybe "doing" should be put aside for more important things.

Last year I was forced to do that in order to care for my family ...

And this year hopefully instead of being forced,

or feeling forced to set things aside -

May I enter into the season excited to grow relationships;

to spend time with Jesus;

to teach my children why Christmas comes each year;

to serve others and give out the love of Christ,

and let the "doing" lay aside.

J.O.Y for the Holidays

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has noticed, but the holiday season is upon us!  Stores are stocked with lights and decorations, everyday a new catalog comes in the mail reminding me that there are only X number of shopping days left.  Even the blogs I read are full of wonderful recipes, schedules and ideas for making this the best Thanksgiving/Christmas ever!

And I am feeling.......overwhelmed.

It's my fault, I admit it.  I, all too easily, get sucked into the utter madness that takes over people this time of year.  The madness of trying to do too much in too short of time, the madness of being the "perfect" hostess, the madness of finding the "perfect" gift for everyone on my list, and even the ridiculous family madness.  I find that in a season that is supposed to be all about Joy and Peace, I struggle to find any.

As I was pondering this the other day (a.k.a - wallowing in self pity that I couldn't stop the holidays from coming) I remembered our, one and only, house rule.  In everything we do, we are to have J.O.Y.  You may have heard this before, but it stands for Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last.  I began to think about all the things that stress me out during the holidays and realized, though they may be packaged to look like they are giving and self sacrificing they are mostly just my selfish pride.  I want to be the perfect hostess so people will say "Oh look how nice her house looks, Oh my, this turkey is divine!"  I want to find the perfect gift because I want to be seen as clever and resourceful.  (Me, me, me, pride, pride, pride.)

So now as Thanksgiving and Christmas draw nearer and nearer I have armed myself with these verses.

Jesus 1st:  Galatians 1:10 - For do I now persuade men, or God?  Or do I seek to please men?  For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.

Others 2nd:  Galatians 6:10 - Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith.

Yourself last:  Matthew 6:33 - But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

If I am seeking His approval and His righteousness every day, everything else just seems terribly unimportant.

So bring it on, unnecessary holiday nonsense, this year I will truly be CELEBRATING the birth of my King and thanking Him everyday for His gift of Himself to me!  Oh, and I may have a little turkey too, I've heard it's divine.

"Can we?"

My husband came home from work the other day and told me a story about a lady he had met. She and her husband are starting a church inside their home and are on a real faith-testing journey. They believe that living within your means and "acting your wage" are critical and so they were wanting to downsize their home. They prayed to God, "Can we sell our house?" and He said "No, not yet." They waited for a little while and asked Him again, "Can we sell our house?" and this time He said "Okay." Their journey has been long, with lots of ups and downs, and they are still in the midst of running the race.



Maybe one day I will be able to share the entire story, but for right now I want to share with you what impacted me the most about this story: they asked God before acting. I have the tendency to act and then pray for God's wisdom and blessing. My biggest fear about asking first, is that I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to hear God's answer. I have been reading Genesis lately and I have been shocked at how the characters (Adam and Eve, Cain, Abraham, etc.) all talked with God like He was sitting right there next to them. I long to have that type of relationship with God, but I am definitely not there yet!



I am a work in progress, but I know the promise has been made, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)

Much Is Asked ...

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded,

and from the one who has been intrusted with much,

much more will be asked." Luke 12:48

This afternoon as I was before the Lord, He used the verse to speak directly to me. The past several weeks have been a time of wrestling with the Lord. He is causing me to look within myself - at my sinful, fleshly, nature - and I don't like what I find. He is asking me to change. To give up things, to give up dreams and hopes, to allow more of His ways and thoughts to become planted and become a way of life, a way of daily living ... I feel as if I can't explain it clearly. But it truly has felt as if I were wrestling with the Lord, with myself.

But back to today. I have been given so much. A strong family, wonderful friends, a loving church, a heritage of Godliness, knowledge of HIM at a young age - and now ... He is going to ask of more from me. He is asking more of me. Demanding more from me - to give up more for His kingdom. His purposes. To die to myself in ways I haven't. To lay down my dreams and follow His.

This is both terrifying and freeing. No matter how often I say I want to do whatever God asks, the cost is there, and it is often so painful to my flesh. I must put to death my sinful desires and be willing to allow Him to change the desires of MY heart to become HIS desires for my life. It is not easy for me to put the desires for a larger house, secure finances, close friends, and many other dreams in His hands. My need to be in control bleeds through. But yet, my spirit wages war and is crying to "do it, surrender all, find true security in Him amidst your deepest fears".

It feels raw. It feels scary. My flesh isn't going down without a fight. But I want to be found in Him ... and as He asks more of me, that I can give it, only because He is of the highest value to me. I must press on. I must draw closer to Him.

Some Thoughts on Modesty (Part 2)

Okay.

Deep breath.

I have been promising a modesty post for a very...very long time now.  But every time I would sit down to type what I have been thinking and praying about, I would choke.  Essentially I have been struggling with fear.  Fear of what you all will think of me, fear that I will sound self righteous or condescending (most definitely not my intent), and even fear that I wouldn't be able to clearly communicate all that has been gerbiling around in my tiny brain these past few months.  But I realized, just because this is a "hotter" topic than we normally post about, it's really no different than anything else I have written.  It's just me, telling my story, the only way I know how.

I did not grow up in a household where I was given a strict dress code.  I was homeschooled and probably dressed a lot like my mom.  When I entered public high school I was afraid I would stick out like a sore thumb, instead I became invisible.  I ached to look "cool", to stand out, and to be seen as some one special.  I thought that if I could create a funky, creative, popular outer appearance then people would be drawn to me.  This meant going to any lengths to wear whatever was "in style" no matter what that style was.  It meant obsessing over every article of clothing, and trying on multiple outfits before going out, and it also meant never feeling content with who I was, or what I looked like.  If you could have looked up insecurity in the dictionary my picture was probably there.  As I grew older, got married, and had children I seemed to grow out of much of this, but I knew all the insecurities were still lurking somewhere just beneath the surface.  Fast Forward several years to late last year.

Now I don't remember exactly (sometime last year) when the Lord first started laying the subject of modesty on my heart, but as He did I began to learn more about myself than modesty.

First - I was addicted/am to pants!  This may sound ridiculous, but I did not like skirts, or dresses at all.  I tolerated them on Sundays, but that was about it.  I figured I could look and feel like a lady and not have to give up my pants. Now this may be true, but for me it was nothing but an unsubmissive heart in cute pair of jeans or painty scrubs (as was usually the case).  So I decided to lay my pants and all other sloppy attire at His feet.  I didn't want there to be anything (especially something silly like pants) between us.  For those of you that know and see me regularly, I have worn pants a time or two since then.  I'm just finding that I feel most feminine when I'm not wearing them.  Needless to say,  I'm still processing this one.  I'll keep you posted.

Second- I am unbelievably stubborn! Okay this wasn't actually new news, but my stubbornness knows no bounds.  This time it was in reference to the verse Roman 14:13.  I took great offense to having to change the way I dressed because it might cause someone else to sin.  (My brain doesn't always remember that I'm not a feminist.) So I struggled, internally, with this one for a long time.  I made external changes, but resented the fact that I had to do it "because men couldn't control themselves".  (Yuck - I know, just keepin' it real.)  Then one day I started thinking, what is one thing I have a really hard time resisting?  Answer - CHOCOLATE!  I am capable, but it's soooo hard.  Now, what if I saw a man, who is not my husband, walking down the street wearing an outfit that barely covered the fact that he was made entirely out of delicious, melty, creamy, oh so irresistible, dark chocolate.  I would want to stop whatever I was doing, go over, and take a bit bite.  Yes I know this scenario is just a little bit far fetched, but it really helped me understand a little bit more what our brothers in Christ are going through.  And, yes, I have apologized to my husband for being such a baby on the topic.

Third and Last (for now) - Modesty isn't just about what you wear.  Shocker.  As we have heard in both previous posts Man looks at the outer appearance, but God looks at the heart.  It's all about who/whom you are dressing for.  You can be completely covered up, but still have an immodest heart.  I found that I was dressing solely for other peoples approval.  About 3 years ago all the insecurity that I had stuffed into the recesses of my brain basement resurfaced.  I once again became crippled by what others thought of how I looked on the outside, as I neatly hid my insides.  Thankfully this time I sought the Lord instead of cramming it all back down.  Then He, graciously, even if not so gently, reminded me that I am to live for Him alone.  I am eternally grateful for that lesson, even though the process was and continues to be brutal at times!  

Fourth - Okay there isn't a fourth, but I know that this isn't all I have learned, or will learn on the subject.  It is a going to be a continual process.  I don't just want to make a bunch of arbitrary modesty rules and not have the heart to go along with them.  I also don't want to dress like I belong on a street corner until I feel "convicted" to do otherwise.  May be one day the lines will be a lot less blurry, but for now this list is posted on my fridge:

• What statement do my clothes make about my heart?

• In choosing what clothes to wear today, whose attention do I desire and whose approval do I crave? Am I seeking to please God or impress others?

• Is what I wear consistent with biblical values of modesty, self control and respectable apparel, or does my dress reveal an inordinate identification and fascination with sinful cultural values?

• Who am I trying to identify with through my dress? Is the Word of God my standard or is the latest fashion?

• Have I asked my husband or other godly individuals to evaluate my wardrobe?

• Does my clothing reveal an allegiance to the gospel or is there any contradiction between my profession of faith and my practice of godliness? 

The original Modesty Heart Check can be found here.

So that's my journey in a nutshell.  I feel like I could write several more posts on this topic, but I am going to refrain - you're welcome.

Becoming Godly Women

I like that title because it plays on the continuous verb form, as well as the adjectival form of the word becoming. Our continual desire and aim in life is to be becoming(v.) women after God's own heart, and to be becoming(adj.) representatives of His beauty and truth to a world full of ugliness and lies.

I've been working on sharing this story for a while now. Two of the verses that come to mind when I think of this event were also referenced by Gina in her letter on modesty, so I think now is as good a time to post this since our thoughts are directed this way already. I want to share this story because it is a wonderful example of godly beauty which has encouraged and challenged me, and I think it can do the same for anyone. We live in a world where every emphasis is placed and value is based on appearances. This story always brings me back to the truth. Our sources of frustration, and sometimes even our shame, can still display the imperishable beauty of the hidden person of the heart when that heart is desiring after the Lord and obedient to Him.

1 Peter 3:3 Your adornment must not be merely external--braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; ⁴but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

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For those of you who don't know me, soon after the Velvet Revolution my family moved to Czechoslovakia in 1991 to do some church planting and missions work. We were there for 4 years

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I don't remember how we met K., but we were living in the Czech Republic at the time, so I'm sure that something about being the only two foreign families in our village somehow connected us. I do remember that K. was a gorgeous young Korean woman married to a wealthy business man, either German or Austrian, and that their beautifully groomed dog completed their "family". K. would come over to our house to have tea and English conversation with my mother. I can't imagine how lonely she must have been being transplanted all the way over there with her husband gone to work and only a dog to keep her company. I thought life was hard and I had 4 siblings, 2 parents, and schoolmates! Speaking of schoolmates, one day a horrible discovery was made. Even still I can barely type the word: Lice. I feel so dirty... but yes, we had lice. Lice is shameful to anyone, but to someone as cleanliness-conscious as my mom, I can imagine it was an especial trial. My mother runs a very tight, very clean ship. But lice is lice, and once it's near, it's everywhere. So it was attacked head on (oh yes, there's the pun) and with full strength. One of the methods was to spray a solution all over the head and then wear an unsightly white plastic bag over your hair for several hours. My mother was undergoing one of these treatments when K. happened to stop by unexpectedly.

It's funny how time and understanding change one's perspective.
I remember peeking down the stairs and there was the beautiful, always perfectly done up and dressed up K.. Sitting across the table in shorts and a T-shirt, with the dreadful plastic bag covering her scalp was my mother. Since the day was about attacking lice, there had been no fear of being seen in public or need for dressing to the 9's, or 6's even. At the time, the 10 year old me remembers feeling so embarrassed, wondering why Mom didn't just turn her away at the door. But now, as a somewhat more mature person and a mother and homemaker myself, I have grown to greatly admire the selfless courage of that lady sitting there wearing that plastic shame and engaging in conversation like she wasn't dying of embarrassment inside.

That image has been such a challenge to me over the years. My mother operates on a whole other level of cleanliness than I do, but even I have a hard time happily accepting people into my home when the house isn't at its best form or I'm not prepared. All of us want people to see us at our best, and we're most comfortable when we know that we're lookin' good. But here was true grace and real beauty: seeing past the beauty and the wealth (both of those things are so intimidating to me!) to the desperately lonely woman with no one in the country to talk to; getting over the embarrassment of being seen in her own current sloppy, 'unclean' state, submitting to the Lord's will and timing, and being willing to answer that need when most probably all she really wanted to do was run and hide.

I know K. came over many times when my mother was prepared, looking lovely and ready with tea and tasty treats, but this is the only visit that is seared into my memory. It stands out to me not because it was the best of the best, but because it was the worst case scenario and Mom still offered what she had to the Lord. When I am out of my comfort zone, my self consciousness keeps me focused on myself, not gently looking for ways to serve others, or quietly listening for the Lord's leading. At face value, this was a situation which I'm sure my mother would love to forget and probably isn't too excited to have me writing about. But God sees deeper than face value, sees to heart behind the service, and knows of the little eyes watching and learning from their hiding spot. I now understand that, peeking down from my upstairs vantage point, I wasn't just watching Mom; I caught a glimpse of the hidden person of my mom's beautiful heart. The quiet spirit that was sensitive to hear past any clamoring of self consciousness to the unspoken neediness of another being and the Lord's direction to answer that need. The gentle spirit that was stronger than any selfish feelings, which saw beyond her own discomfort to a lonely soul to whom she could minister God's love. She made K. feel welcome and comfortable like it wasn't anything at all.

It's easy to be a gracious hostess when you are the hostess with the mostest. And the world tells us that that's where it's at. Take a look at any magazine cover in the check-out line and you will see they have your 'best' in mind. They are all about your best: looking your best, dressing your best, living your best, eating your best, feeling your best, giving your best, getting your best. It is a pleasure to be able to offer good things to others, but there is so much more to the real aspect of gracious living! God has a much better best than this world can ever offer! Generally, when we are able to give what the world considers our best, we receive the glory for it and it ends there. One of the amazing aspects of God is His power to transform even what we would feel is our worst and least into the best and most when offered up in humble submission to Him and His timing. In the situations where we obediently give the Lord what we have, even though it's not necessarily what we'd like to do, He not only makes something beautiful, something good out of that meager offering, He receives the glory for His ability to do so, and we in turn are blessed by being able to glorify Him and bless others with that testimony.

What was once an embarrassing situation is now understood and treasured for the person it revealed, the God it glorified, the lady it ministered to, and the indelible lesson it taught a little girl peeking down the stairs. And all of this because of lice. He gives us beauty for ashes, in our weakness He is strong, the widow's two copper coins are more valuable to Him than the clanking of the surplus coins of the rich, and the heart that recognizes it has nothing of value to offer but humble obedience and loving worship is precious in His sight.

I Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

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Mom shoveling stinky, dirty brown coal with a smile on her face. Feeding "The dragon", the furnace in the basement of our home in Vcelna, CZ. was one of many new challenges. As the typical child with only myself to worry about, I've always been mainly interested in my European experience. Now that I'm starting to understand what it takes to run a house and raise a family, I'm so very curious about her experience of having to make life happen for 5 very different children and a church-planting husband in a foreign country that had been demolished by socialism and where a very strange language was spoken.

Some Thoughts on Modesty (Part 1)

As many of you know I have been thinking a lot about the topic of modesty lately, and what exactly that means for me as a woman.  I have searched through scripture, researched on the internet, read some books, and asked lots of questions.  I don't know that I have a perfect solution yet, but I have learned quite a bit along the way.  The following post is a response to several of those questions graciously provided by Gina, from Home Joys.  I know Gina has been a wonderful blessing and inspirations to all of us this past year, so I am thankful that she has allowed me to post her reply.  Also I am hoping to post my personal thoughts on modesty in the next few day.

My thoughts on modesty (Gina)-

First, thanks for asking! I was very glad to know that I'm not on any sort of pedestal - because I'm still a work in progress! But it has been so good for me this last week to think about what I do believe about modesty, if it is just a preference, and what the Bible says on the topic. I think I was on your blog but I don't remember at all what you look like or what you wear, so don't think I'm preaching to you specifically!

I'm not sure where to begin, so this will probably just be a ramble of my story and thoughts on the topic.
Growing up, my mom always wore skirts or dresses. I just took it for granted. When I got older I realized not everyone's mom wore skirts and when I asked about it, I was pointed to Duet 22:5 where wearing the opposite gender's clothing was described as an abomination. Now, of course, that is in the Old Testament and we don't attempt to follow the Mosaic law concerning sacrifices and such. But the laws described as abominations are applicable to today. The signs on a public restroom show that in our culture - pants are still thought of as a man's garment. While there may be activities that are more appropriate with slacks, I am glad I had the foundation of wearing feminine skirts.

Maybe you've noticed that the Bible doesn't contain many specifics about what to wear or what not to wear. I think that is good. I'm rather glad we weren't told to wear a robe like Jesus and His mother! I do believe that God provided enough Scripture and principles that we can come to an understanding of what a Christian lady should wear in our time and culture. But I also don't think we can just go along with what is worn in our time and culture without applying God's Word to see where it lines up. It may be more difficult today because the world around us has lost the basic principle of modesty like they may have had 100 years ago.  None of us thinks it is "fun" to stick out and buck against the tide but as daughters of God and the temple of the Holy Spriti, we need to make sure are wardrobe is a proper reflection of our Lord.

In my teen years, I slid a little in my clothing. I would wear long (knee length) shorts and my t-shirts were probably too tight. I noticed that I didn't sit, walk or stand as femininely when I was wearing shorts then if I was wearing a dress. In my 20's I got back to wearing dresses, skirts, and jumpers again. I had a lot of good friends that were very dedicated Christians who didn't follow my standard of modesty. I sometimes wondered why I felt like God was calling me to dress like this - when other Christians wore whatever they wanted. I also didn't want to appear that I thought I was better then them because of my dress convictions. But I really felt like that it was a conviction. Not just a preference, or what my parents or church would want, but a conviction - a belief that this was how God wanted me to dress. 

And (I don't want this to sound proud) but I felt like the Lord blessed my stand for modesty. Especially when I was in the city or with a crowd,  there was a measure of protection from wearing a covering on my head and a dress. Men treated me differently, with respect. They held the door open and generally treated me like a lady. Maybe the Lord just gave me some of these experiences to encourage me, when I was the only one in the group that dressed differently. No one likes to stand out like a sore thumb - like you are dressed in some sort of strange costume. I'll never forget being in the metro in DC on Halloween night. Many people were in costume. I was with a group of Christians friends but I was the only one who dressed like I did. I figured others looking on guessed I was in some sort of Amish costume! Standing alone isn't not fun sometimes but I feel like there was advantages, beyond just obeying the direction of the Lord (which of course needs to other reasons!)
Some of the Scriptures that we can glean insight on what a Christan should wear.

1 Cor 6:19-10 - We are to glorify God - not just by our spirit but also by our body. Our bodies are not our own and the decision is not just depending on what we want but since our body belongs to God, what we wear should reflect His glory.

1 Peter 3:3-4 - A Christian woman's beauty is not the outward appearance but the meek and quiet spirit which the Lord says is valuable. 

1 Tim 2:8-10 - This may be the only place that it specifically mentions modest apparel  for a Christian woman.- at least that I could think of. 

Rom 12:1-2 Again, our bodies belong to God  - we should not be patterning our lives after the world around us. Rom 14:13 - This is maybe the greatest reason to me to dress modestly. We are not to be a stumbling block to others. Can a man be in our presence, sit behind us at church without being distracted by too much skin. This time of year, when it is hot, I'm just in shock at how ladies dress/undress in public. Where is a Christian man who want to be pure in his eyes and thoughts supposed to look? Can I be a "safe place"?

1 Samuel 16:11 "Man looks on the outward appearance, but God on the heart." I've heard this used as an excuse to dress however you like because God is looking at our heart and as long as my heart is right it doesn't matter how I dress. But if people around me are looking on my outward appearance - and they are- what are they seeing? I would prefer to fit in with others. But maybe God's idea is that when others look at me they immediately notice that this woman is someone different.

We women like to "look good", to be attractive. But the danger is when we dress to attract attention to ourselves. In Proverbs it talks of the harlot who dresses to attract men. Maybe our modest clothing will be so different from what everyone else is wearing that it too will attract attention. Just make sure it is a good reflection of the Lord. Not a slob but definitely not a slut.

I would suggest you ask your husband what he would like you to wear. Maybe he doesn't care. Or maybe he does. In some cases, a man is afraid if their wife starts to dress modestly, she will be some frumpy slob. A husband may want his wife to dress immodestly just to show off his "hot" wife.  

As a wife, my body belongs to my husband. I don't want my body to be pawned over (even with just eyes) because it belongs to my husband alone. While modesty is very important, I don't think it has a place in a married couple's bedroom. Throw out the sweats and the granny nightgown, this is the place to dress provocatively. Our Christian husbands are expected to keep their minds and eyes pure all day long. Let's make it easier for them by having one place where they can purely enjoy their wife. 

I hope you can make some sort of sense out of this ramble! Please feel free to ask more questions.
I pray that the Lord will give you wisdom. I know that God does not want to hide His will from His children. He will answer your questions when you seek His direction.

Blessings,
Gina

A Help Meet

18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (NIV)

18God said, "It's not good for the Man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion." (The Message)

18Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” (New Living Translation)

18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. (King James)

18And Jehovah God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. (American Standard Version)

Genesis 2:18 introduces the concept of a wife. Several different words are used: helper, companion, helper meet and help meet. I have always wondered…what exactly is a help meet? Sounds like a mistake…those two words don’t go together!

I was surprised to find that most articles/blogs written about this topic emphasize that the correct translation and understanding of the original Hebrew proves that women are neither subordinate nor inferior to men, but rather we are equal. I have never struggled with whether or not women are inferior to men, and I was more interested in discovering what my role is as a help meet.

The Bible was originally written in Hebrew. The Hebrew words used were ezer kenegdo, which happen to be very difficult to translate into English. Ezer is only found 21 times in the Old Testament and is almost always used to describe God when people are calling out in desperation. Through my research, I have found that the word ezer comes from the Hebrew root –z-r, which means “to rescue, to save.” Kenegdo means “alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.”

An example of how the word ezer is used to describe God is found in Psalm 121: 1-2: “I lift my eyes to the hills – where does my help (ezer) come from? My help (ezer) comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” Verse 7 describes the type of help that the Lord provides: “The LORD will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life…”

Maybe my research has created more questions than answers. However, I now understand that my calling as a wife should not be taken lightly! I am much more than a companion who provides help with the everyday tasks of paying the bills, cleaning the house, raising children, cooking dinner, etc. I pray that God reminds me daily of the importance of my role as a wife, er, a help meet.

Life is such a gift.

Over the weekend, I have been pondering the fragility of life. Jonah, saddled with bronchitis, would wake up at all hours of the evening, night, dark night, wee morning hours ... you get the picture. Wake up coughing and hacking. Monday morning he woke up and just started gasping for air. I happened to be in the hallway right outside his door and heard his cries. Inside, he looked at me. And I saw so much fear and confusion in his eyes. He was trying to cough and breathe, but crying because his chest was so tight and he felt like he couldn't breathe. My mommy heart just broke for him as I propped him up and reassured him that everything was going to be okay. To calm down. To trust Jesus.
Not in a morbid way, but this reminded me of how fragile our lives really are. We're dependent on the fact that our heart must beat, our chest and lungs breathe, our body work according to God's plan. But we can't number our days. Later I thought, 'what if Jonah really couldn't breathe? i have no control over how many days God gives him!' God's ultimate control and plan is out of my control. And that actually makes me thankful! I can trust that His hands are bigger than mine, and that He holds our lives in them. Our lives are but "a breathe" as the Word says - may I use mine wisely and lovingly.
And treat my days as precious and as a gift. As I put Jonah down for his afternoon nap today, he asked if I would 'lay down and snuggle for just a minute'. I almost instinctly replied, 'you'll be okay, Mommy has things to do', but something stopped me. Probably the Lord! Why not take three minutes and snuggle? In a flash, he won't be wanting to snuggle with his mommy. Time will fly by and I'll look back and wish that I had slowed down enough to be there with my children. So I stopped. Laid down. Snuggled. And enjoyed every minute by him, watching his breathing slow, his eyes close, and his body relax and succumb to sleep.
Thank You, Lord. Thank You for the gift of life. For each day with Eli, with Jonah, and with Reuben. May I stop being so "doing" and "self" oriented and enjoy such rich gifts.

6:00 'o' Clock a.m. and A Whole Lot of Reality

I know that I have been saying for weeks that I am going to do a wrap up post for the 6 'o' clock club.  I has been almost two months since we finished!  It has taken all this time to process and regurgitate the impact that this has had on my life.  I went into the 6 'o' clock club idealistically and with great expectations.

My expectations looked something like this:

(1) It's going to be hard (I am anything but a morning person), but it will be good.
(2) I will draw closer to Christ.
(3) My days will be filled with the joy of the Lord.
(4) I will have more time to prepare for the day and memorize scripture.
(5) I will be better equipped to take on the daily tasks of raising children and keeping my home.
(6) I will be a better wife, mother, friend...because of this.


And for a while, It seemed as if all was going to go according to the plan.  Here is a summary in texts.  You will notice that after day 17, the texts stop.

Day 1.  (6:00 am and all is well. –j) (Good Morning! Ready for nap time yet? – sn)

Day 2.  (Ugh, this one was tough! Fighting like a drowsy warrior; resisting the urge! – sn) (Stand your ground man! – j)

Day 4  (“This is the day that the Lord hath made; We will rejoice and be glad in it”. – sn)  (Anem Ha ha-amen! – j)

Day 8  (An new week and a fresh new day! – sn) (6:18 – Feeding Z at 6, just now getting to it. - )  – (good job!  It’s about the spirit of the law, not the letter =)  - (if you guys think about it, could you pray for me?  I’m getting really discouraged about the 6:00am club. – j) – (Praying! – sn) – (Sure will! –sk)

Day 9  Face book message (Back on the 6 'o' clock train, but I don't know where my phone is. Hope everyone has a great morning with the Lord! – j) (I was so disappointed this morning when I didn't get a call...I said extra prayers for you!! Glad to hear you are back! – sk) (I did ... I am loving doing this with you guys. Well, loving it and learning a lot through it as well! – e) (this has been great! Not great as in I've been up and at 'em and on top of everything every morning without a struggle or frustration, amazing myself with my own strength and abilities, but great in the motivation of fellowship, the correcting of my priorities and mindset, and the amazingness of really grasping God's grace and my utter dependence! – sn)

Day 10 (Hit the snooze a couple times, but I’m up! =) – sn)  (I woke up soaked with pee…not my own…or Greg’s. – j)  (empathetic LOL the day can only get better, huh?! – sn)  (I’m gonna assume so. :0) j)  – “Strength and dignity are her clothing and she smiles at the future”…even when pee-soaked =) – sn) – (Love it! See you later. – j)

Day 11 – (“In the morning when I rise give me Jesus/You can have all this world, give me Jesus.” – sn) (“You can take the world, just give me You!” – j)

Day 12 – (Bed is sooo comfortable this morning…But I overcame! =) – sn)  (I hear ya! Bless the Lord O my soul: and ALL that is within me Bless His holy name. – j)

Day 17 – (Mah! I said mah! – Chief Wiggem. - j)  (I need to start this day off right – jury selection this morning and elders visitation tonight (hey I rhymed!) –sn)  (Talk more later. – j) 

This is the part of the process where things began to go South.  I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but on day 17 something in me changed (a.k.a SNAPPED).  I was done!  I began to see myself for who I was, and I was not pretty.  The darkness that I had tried, desperately, to pretend was not there, reared its ugly head and punched me square in the face!  

I'll be the first to admit that I have always been a bit rebellious.  And those of you that know me well, you know that this is an understatement of magnanimous proportions.  But as I have "matured" I began to think that I had left my rebellion in my teens and twenties.  I even started to say things like "I used to be quite the rebel".  Had I known that my rebellion was merely hiding just beneath my imaginary pristine surface, I'm sure I would have kept my mouth shut.  I think that is the point though.  I was merely being careful and not striving to repent and be renewed.   

As the weeks wore on, I crawled deeper and deeper into my own dark heart.  I stopped getting up early, I stopped reading my bible and struggled to find words to even pray.  I scowled at my husband and barked at my children, phone calls to friends became fewer and fewer.  I cried a lot!  The mess in my heart spilled into a physical mess in my home.  Things were not pretty over here.  Sin is never pretty.  

Hosea 7:13-14

¹³ Woe to them,
       because they have strayed from me!
       Destruction to them,
       because they have rebelled against me!
       I long to redeem them
       but they speak lies against me.
 ¹⁴ They do not cry out to me from their hearts
       but wail upon their beds.
       They gather together for grain and new wine
       but turn away from me.


Then when I could take it no longer.  I let go.  I began to repent, day after day, sin after sin.  I fought long and hard, for what?...I'm not sure, but it was time to stop.  I began reading again and feasting on His Word like never before.   I cleaned up the house.  I realized that my children were not put on this earth just to make me miserable and I began breathe again!  


Hosea 6:1 
Come, let us return to the LORD
         For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
         He has wounded us, but He will bandage us.


Hosea 6:3


"So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD
         His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
         And He will come to us like the rain,
         Like the spring rain watering the earth."


So there it is.  In far more words than, I'm sure, were necessary, but many less than I wanted to use - My Journey from February 1st 2010 @ 6:00 a.m. to the next time I forget that I'm a Sinner.


-Forever humbled in His presence-