My expectations looked something like this:
(1) It's going to be hard (I am anything but a morning person), but it will be good.
(2) I will draw closer to Christ.
(3) My days will be filled with the joy of the Lord.
(4) I will have more time to prepare for the day and memorize scripture.
(5) I will be better equipped to take on the daily tasks of raising children and keeping my home.
(6) I will be a better wife, mother, friend...because of this.
And for a while, It seemed as if all was going to go according to the plan. Here is a summary in texts. You will notice that after day 17, the texts stop.
Day 1. (6:00 am and all is well. –j) (Good Morning! Ready for nap time yet? – sn)
Day 2. (Ugh, this one was tough! Fighting like a drowsy warrior; resisting the urge! – sn) (Stand your ground man! – j)
Day 4 (“This is the day that the Lord hath made; We will rejoice and be glad in it”. – sn) (Anem Ha ha-amen! – j)
Day 8 (An new week and a fresh new day! – sn) (6:18 – Feeding Z at 6, just now getting to it. - ) – (good job! It’s about the spirit of the law, not the letter =) - (if you guys think about it, could you pray for me? I’m getting really discouraged about the 6:00am club. – j) – (Praying! – sn) – (Sure will! –sk)
Day 9 Face book message (Back on the 6 'o' clock train, but I don't know where my phone is. Hope everyone has a great morning with the Lord! – j) (I was so disappointed this morning when I didn't get a call...I said extra prayers for you!! Glad to hear you are back! – sk) (I did ... I am loving doing this with you guys. Well, loving it and learning a lot through it as well! – e) (this has been great! Not great as in I've been up and at 'em and on top of everything every morning without a struggle or frustration, amazing myself with my own strength and abilities, but great in the motivation of fellowship, the correcting of my priorities and mindset, and the amazingness of really grasping God's grace and my utter dependence! – sn)
Day 10 (Hit the snooze a couple times, but I’m up! =) – sn) (I woke up soaked with pee…not my own…or Greg’s. – j) (empathetic LOL the day can only get better, huh?! – sn) (I’m gonna assume so. :0) j) – “Strength and dignity are her clothing and she smiles at the future”…even when pee-soaked =) – sn) – (Love it! See you later. – j)
Day 11 – (“In the morning when I rise give me Jesus/You can have all this world, give me Jesus.” – sn) (“You can take the world, just give me You!” – j)
Day 12 – (Bed is sooo comfortable this morning…But I overcame! =) – sn) (I hear ya! Bless the Lord O my soul: and ALL that is within me Bless His holy name. – j)
Day 17 – (Mah! I said mah! – Chief Wiggem. - j) (I need to start this day off right – jury selection this morning and elders visitation tonight (hey I rhymed!) –sn) (Talk more later. – j)
This is the part of the process where things began to go South. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but on day 17 something in me changed (a.k.a SNAPPED). I was done! I began to see myself for who I was, and I was not pretty. The darkness that I had tried, desperately, to pretend was not there, reared its ugly head and punched me square in the face!
I'll be the first to admit that I have always been a bit rebellious. And those of you that know me well, you know that this is an understatement of magnanimous proportions. But as I have "matured" I began to think that I had left my rebellion in my teens and twenties. I even started to say things like "I used to be quite the rebel". Had I known that my rebellion was merely hiding just beneath my imaginary pristine surface, I'm sure I would have kept my mouth shut. I think that is the point though. I was merely being careful and not striving to repent and be renewed.
As the weeks wore on, I crawled deeper and deeper into my own dark heart. I stopped getting up early, I stopped reading my bible and struggled to find words to even pray. I scowled at my husband and barked at my children, phone calls to friends became fewer and fewer. I cried a lot! The mess in my heart spilled into a physical mess in my home. Things were not pretty over here. Sin is never pretty.
13 Woe to them,
because they have strayed from me!
Destruction to them,
because they have rebelled against me!
I long to redeem them
but they speak lies against me.
14 They do not cry out to me from their hearts
but wail upon their beds.
They gather together for grain and new wine
but turn away from me.
Then when I could take it no longer. I let go. I began to repent, day after day, sin after sin. I fought long and hard, for what?...I'm not sure, but it was time to stop. I began reading again and feasting on His Word like never before. I cleaned up the house. I realized that my children were not put on this earth just to make me miserable and I began breathe again!
Come, let us return to the LORD
For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
He has wounded us, but He will bandage us.
"So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD
His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain,
Like the spring rain watering the earth."
So there it is. In far more words than, I'm sure, were necessary, but many less than I wanted to use - My Journey from February 1st 2010 @ 6:00 a.m. to the next time I forget that I'm a Sinner.
-Forever humbled in His presence-